| I realize just about nobody's goign to read this because it's so long, but i had some time yesterday to kinda sit and reflect on some things God has done for me in my life, and how he's taken care of me thus far. What's cool about xanga is you can go back and read things from your past, see who you were and what was going on...here's Dec '04 & Jan '05
during Christmas break, after we'd moved out of my dad's...
You ever feel like almost nothing is going your way? and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change things. And everything is against you? Christmas just seems to really suck this year. Everyone spends Christmas seeing fmaily and celebrating their families and all I ever seem to get from my family is how I'm a lazy bum and how I think I'm better than all them. I went to my church's candle lit service tonight, and my little sister was like where are you goin? and I said I was going to the church and she told me I shoiuldn't go because Christmas is all about family. Well my church is my family, they're the onces who are there to love and support me when I need ti, and will pray for me in times of need. THey don't tell me I'm no good when I feel like I'm no good. I'm encouraged there, not discouraged like w/ my actual family. I swear my parents just want people to think they're these great encouraging and supportive parents, but in reality all they do is gripe at me and whine and complain about how I love everyone but them. They jsut want me to feel like I owe them something. Want me to feel sorry for them. I've tried to show love to my family. Especially my mom and my littel sister. My little sister is constantly screaming and cussingat me at the sligthest things, and my mom always tries to make me feel like dirt. Ok, the past 2 or 3 days I've been moving stuff to the new house for my mom, and today, I had ot work at 1, so she told me I had to wake up early so I could work on some more stuff today. Well...I'm sorry if I didn't, but I didn't...oh well...it'll get done. But no, okay, she came into Drug Warehouse today, and was buying some stuff she needed, and I talked to her, and I forgot my shirt I was going to wear to church, and I asked her if she would drop it off later today, but no, she's throws this crap at me like I won't help her so she's not going to take the time to help me. Clint once dropped all he was doing to meet me at the post office to help me get a scholarship app complteed and mailed in. Whoever the heck my prayer warrior is, decided they wanted to be really generous and pay my way to go to the ski trip this spring break. Don Jones, has pretty much opened his house up to me. He said anytime I didn't feel I coul dcope with life he they have a spare room and I can just stop by and stay the night. Clint offered to have me over for Christmas. ya know what sucks? my youth group is so young. They're fun and all, but don't really have much spiritual maturity. Our bible study can't be as deep. There's very few people in my youth group nowadays I can run to when I need prayer. Clint jsut called me again and said if I wanted to, they're still over there and there's more food I can just come on over. I can't even get a hold of my freaking mom, and my dad's, just...I dunno. . Right now I feel there's only one thing about Christmas i can cling to, and that's the gift of Jesus Christ. Which is really the whole reason for the holiday. I really wish the candle lit service at my church would've lasted longer than it did. dang it, I bought some presents but they're at my mom's house and I can't get them, and I still gotta wrap them. But she won't answer her phone...oh well...I swear I'm getting overemotional, maybe not though, i dunno, but I was bawling again tonight, just like last Wednesday night, not as bad as then, but I just cried and cried and cried...I'm so sick of having to cope with everything, I'm ready to just leave and go to college. Just get away from everything. I wish our church had something like that thing at Phuong's church, adoration chapel...it's a separate place put aside just for prayer, and you can go there 24/7. I need that right now. I would've gone to her church's thing tonight, only I have no idea where it's at. I'm anxious to get the results for my financial aid at Baylor, so I'll know if I have any chance of going there or not. I'm starting to doubt whether I really can or not. If had taken the PSAT I think I'd have it made, but ya know what? I didnt...so we can scratch that idea. oh well though, I think I'm done for now....later
whoa...I've had some time to think about stuff, and I was reminded of story from the Bible about a man named Job. Here's the story. Job was the richest guy around, like the Donald Trump of his day. He was not only rich, but very righteous as well. God loved him very much and was very proud of him. God told Satan, check out Job, he's the best guy around, obeys nad won't have anything to do with anything that's bad. Satan replied, only cause you've given him everything he could possibly want. You've protected him nad made him rich. if you take those things away he won't be the same. So the Lord told him, alrgiht you may test him. Later on Job receives news that his animals have all been stolen and the workers killed, his sheep were burned, his servants were killed, and lastly, his children were all murdered. And Job's reaction, he cries out, "The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of hte Lord!" How about that? This guy has some pretty bad things happen to him. Losing your livestock and all that would be like the stock market crashing and losing everything you have today. his family is killed as well, yet his reaction is praise the name of the Lord. That needs to be a little more what my reaction is like. God help me to do that...
a few days after Christmas...
It's time for a new entry. Well..everythings going okay I suppose...my mom's still freaking out 24/7. Christmas Eve sucked, but Christmas Day went okay. My mom wasn't home Christmas Eve and she blames me for us not being together because I went to the Candle Lit service at my church. I drove to her house twice and called her about a million times. But anyways, how is everybody? I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas. We're pretty much moved into the new house, just a few more things to go...the fridge, my desk, then just little things like clotehs and all that. I like the new house. We live really close to the music minister at my church. Just in case I didn't comment on ur page, this Friday night at my church, we're having a New Year's Eve Party from 7 -1...there's pingpong, air hockey, fuseball, pool, basketball, volleyball, those big inflatable games, bowling alley, Eric (our new youth pastor) said he's gonna buy a couple XBOX's and set em' up, and we're going to have some movies going too...and of course there's gona be free food...so it's going to be an awesome time. I really hope people will come. It's really disappointing to see your church fall apart, which is kinda what happened when we didn't have a pastor or youth pastor, everything becomes routine and there's nothing to spark you. Our church as a whole is on fire for God right now, and I'm hoping the same can happen in our youth group. I'm really hoping we'll start having some older people too, cuz most of our youth group is young, nothi'n wrong with that, I love having them there, just kinda sucks when you don't have your own age there. Me, Ben, and Rolls painted my kitchen last night...it was cool. My little sister flipped out, and started cussin' at me while they were there, it was relatively mild session on her part though, cuz she gets a lot worse...but anyways, I pray for her all the time. I really hope she has a true encounter with God. I know what God's done for me in my life, and I want so bad for others to experience the same. Oh ya, today's been apretty good day. I got my info from the Baylor Financial Aid Estimator back today, and it said I'm estimated to have $32,000ish a year in financial aid...about $20,000 of that in grants and scholarships, $6,000 in need-based lones, which means they don't have to have any payments ntil after I'm gone and out of there, $4000 in non-need-based loans which I think means I have to make payments on them, and $2,000 for student employment. I'm all about the grants and I can take onsome need-based loans. Also, that doesn't include any outside scholarships I may receive. So, Things are looking up as far as that goes.
some time i wanted away...just wanted to be w/ Jesus
material called Fuel, I'd looked at it before and thought it was gay...haha. And it still was, the intro anyway, but it was great all in all. We broke into our groups and the 11th and 12th grade guys were together in one group and we actually had some discussion. Nothing against the Sunday school teachers, but a lot of times it seems when we break into groups it's just them cramming it down our throats again. But today was more about the question...what is the bible? It was pretty cool. I'm going to mass next week with Phuong. So I'm lookin' forward to checkin' that out. I wish I could spend more time at my church though. I feel weird lately, I have hope, but it's like it's postponed...longer than I want it to be. Cuz, I don't really want to stay w/ my mom, and I don't really wanna stay w/ my dad, but I don't think I can just leave both all together. I think I'd be doing something wrong by doing that. And plus my little sister I think needs a positive influence, and my parents aren't exaclty going to do that, especially my mom. It kinda reminds me of this story we read by Kate Chopin in Dotson's class last year. This woman didn't really wanna be with her husband right? but she's not going to be unfaithful to him or anything, but she hears he's dead and she's free and she's all happy about it cuz she has her freedom, but then she finds out he's alive and she dies just from knowing she's lost what she thought she had. I guess I kinda felt moving out would change my mom, but it's made her worse by far, and my dad's just kinda like whatever. It's like I don't really have an option I want to take, or feel I can. I'm not really like depressed or breaking down over this or anything, it just kinda sucks. Our worship at church is beginning to feel routine to me. I'm talking about Wednesday nights. We do it to a CD and it's like we only do it because it's routine to sing songs. We don't do it to worship, we do it because it's just done. I wish our worship time was more real. It's kinda the same way on Sunday mornings, not as bad though. We alwyas sing these really old hymns and they just don't really have power. It's probably just me, I dont know. I like it when I'm driving alone at night, and I can just talk w/ God and sing to him. Sounds weird, but it's far more personal than singing hymns at church. I wish the worship music we did was more recent stuff. "Revive Me" - "Spoken For" - "All the Words" - "Show Me Your Glory" - "God of Wonders"...those are some awesome songs...I talked to Eric about missions trips the other day and he said he's for sure going to try and get me at one...so that's pretty cool. I love retreats and stuff like that, just time when you can get away from the world and everything that's happening nad just spend it in prayer and fellowship with others, it's the absolute greatest thing ever...well...I think I'm done for now...whoa, I wrote more than I thought...oh well...I'm out
after bein' kicked out
hey hey hey, I don't have a computer right now to update my page, so this is the first time I've been able to for a while. I'm at Ben's house right now. you've probably already heard, but I've moved out of my parents house, I stayed over at Ben's house for a few days earlier this week, and now I'm staying with Don Jones and his family. He's the Minister of Education at our church. He and their family are really cool. They asked me what my favorite food was, and bam, the next day...LASAGNA...haha...it was pretty cool. Kinda sucks not driving and all though, I think I'm going to try to buy David's old truck. They said they were asking for $3000 for it, so I may be able to handle that. I need a new vehicle before I go to Baylor anyway. Anyways, ya know what bugs me? is the fact that my mom wants my little sister to hate me, she's always telling her stuff about how she doesn't like my church, and I hear 24/7 that I'm a hypocrite. THe other day I went to my mom's house for a while, and I got there and she starts right off telling me I do nothing but disrespect her, and I was like...I didn't c ome here for this, I came to just hang out with yall, and she was like fine, but I dunno, I know it's not fine with ehr, cuz she continued sayin' things to me. Like she was trying to make me feel bad about leaving, cuz she knows I worry about my sister a lot, she told me I really hurt my littel sister by leaving, and I told her that I wasnt moving back in, that I had made a decision already, and she says, I know yo'uvem ade a decision, you wouldn't respect me so you left. And I"m like what the heck? I don't know what to do w/ her sometimes, it's just crazy. but ya, at first I didn't want to tell anyone about all that, but I figure people are going to find out anyway, so here it is...I'll try to update again here sometime soon...im out for now
later in Janurary...God answers questions...
Don and Jane got internet on their computer so I can update my Xanga...yay!!!...haha. Yvonne and Phuong and bunch of other people came into Drug Warehouse today going crazy needing shoe polish...I dont really have much i wanna post other than this Poem I found in Purpose Driven Life. With all that's been going on...the thing I find my self asking God most is the question Why? WHy is this where I'm at? Why is this my family? Why me God? Why? This poem is absolutely awesome...and I hope it maybe helps somebody else who reads it...
You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You're just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
And they bear the Master's seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
I loved that poem...I've wondered about purpose a lot lately...I'm really tryign to figure out what God's got in store for my life...it's not easy though...no where near it. I know things that I could do, or even some things I want to do...and I'm sure God would have me do one of those...he wouldn't put me here to do something I hate, and I'm sure he's going to have me do what he made me able to do. cuz I am who I am for a reason...
God teaches me to wait...
I'm really excited about visiting Baylor this weekend. I haven't go to see the cmapus and from what I've heard it's beautiful. Next weekend I go to visit OBU and the weekend after i got ACT's again. I have to drive to NSU because I registered late and got stuck w/ that location...Levi Eaton and Nate Yarbrough are crazy. They were doin' all these flips and stuff 2nd hour...haha...it was cool. oh ya, Scott Mabe tried to wrestle me today...haha, it was funny. I ran with Phuong today earlier, she's funny...but anyways, I've alwyas hated poetry w/ a passion, but I'm actually starting to like some of it. I put a poem from purpose driven life in my last post, and that poem is by a guy named Russell Kelfer, well I was looking for more poetry by that guy and I found one called "Wait." It's Christian poetry...first thought is...it's about sex...but it's not. It's about being patient with God and wanting things in his time rather than our own. Sometimes we cry out to God begging for answers. Where should I go to college? Will I get enough scholarship? Should I go into ministry? Should I teach in college? Will you bring my family to you God? Will you change my parents' hearts? God tells us that if we believe we will receive. And God you know I believe, yet all my wishes aren't granted. But anyways, here's the poem...
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by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,"Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. |
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My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply. |
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Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. |
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I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see. |
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You'd never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last. |
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You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT". |
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Sometimes we demand answers of God. I wish more than anything I just knew what God's plan for my life is. But maybe walking blind is a good thing, I don't have a complete grasp on what's going to happen, maybe it teaches us to walk by faith. but anyways...God answers prayers three different ways, yes, no, and wait, and by far it's tougher to deal with wait than anything else. but this poem helps me realize I don't have all the answers, and God is in control and has a reason for everythign he does...
I have not been called to the w
REFOCUSING in March
isdom of this world..
But to a God who is calling out to me..
And even though the world my think
I'm losing touch with reality
It would be crazy
To choose this world over eternity
BRINGING ME HOPE!!! and restoring relationships in May
got about $27,000 a year...plus I qualify for some subsidized loans. HECK YES!!! Baylor is so freaking awesome, I'm registered for orientation on the 23rd and 24th of June. My little sister's prom was last night. I took her and a couple of her friends to Denny's. At first it was going to be like a double date thing w/ my sister and her date, and me and my date, but I waited until Friday to try to get me a date, and ya...it was a one shot deal. Meghan said she would've come but her dad didn't want her out that late before the track meet and all...which is perfectly understandable. I thought it was going to suck though at first, cuz my sister said she had invited some of her friends, and I was just kinda like....uhh...they got money right?...haha...but it went okay, two of them had to be home by 11:30, and when we got our food I was like alright ugys, u got 1 minute to eat and then we gotta be gone. It was fun though. I took some goofy pictures w/ my little sister at Denny's. I finished Tribulation Force, the 2nd of the Left Behidn series the other day. They're pretty good. I went ot the library today and picked up Nicolae and Soul Harvest. They're good to read, they do much to motivate you, not necessarily because you feel that much more grateful for Christ's sacrifice, but it almost gives you a sense of urgency. I learned that Methodists are really similar to Catholics yesterday, I was talkin' w/ Page about it at work. I got 275 on bench the other day...heck yes!!!...I was happy, That MM2K bench workout is awesome...Speaking of HECK YES!!!.....we're having a Napolean Dynamite night at church on Wednesday May 11. We're going to have a dress-up contest, dance contest, and a ton of TOTS from what I understand. God can use some of the stupidest things to reach people...haha...crazy ain't it? well...I think I'm done for this post, mainly cuz I gotta go to work....later
a Prayer of searching and thanksgiving
you ever feel like there's something missing? you don't know what to do...and you don't know how to fill it. It goes beyond not knowing Christ, because I know him, and he knows me... I know what the void is, but I'm not certain whether I should try to fill it. I really don't think I can right now anyway. I've tried, but I haven't at the same time...I don't know what I want, and I don't know for certain what you want God. I'm really confused right now at this point in my life. Eric talked with us about purpose the other night, and a lot of what he said came out of purpose driven life...and ya know what God? as much as that may help others, it doens't help me God. Yes, it's our purpose to glorify you, and glorify you is what I desire to do, but you know? sometimes I think I need a little more guidance God. I wish you could lay out your plan for me in a road map, but I understand you can't, and that by doing it this way I'm only going to learn to trust you more. Help me to keep that in mind from day to day Father. God earlier when i started this post it wasn't a prayer like it is now. God I desire a relationship, not just any girlfriend or anything God, but something real God. Someone who loves you more than anything else God. Oh man I hope I can find that some day. I know I've got a lot of people down here who love me, pray for me, and are here for me always, but sometimes I feel lonely anyways God. Oh I desire to have that void filled God. I figured something out that I want though, I want someone who needs comforted. maybe it's something weird about me God, but I know you created me with that want for a reason. And I'm sure someday I'll figure that out. God I bet it's probably not time for me to find my soul mate or whatever, I could be wrong, but I just pray that you'll give me the strength to go on anyway, and fill my heart God with things of you. Satisfy my soul Father. Fill me with your love and prepare me for the things to come in life. Speaking of things to come, God in what I've discovered about you so far, I've learned that you don't alwyas lay out the plan for us in advance, I pray that I will be satisfied in knowing the next step in my journey Father. And God, I do also ask that when i do make the decision of whether I enter into your ministry full time or your mission field or not that it's crystal clear. I dont want to do that if it's not your will. If you're preparing me for something else God make me fully aware. Before I leave for Baylor God, I pray that you'll help me to be a good example and guide some of the younger youth into a stronger relationship with you. God I ask that you would make it real for them like you have with me. Make it not just a weekly thing to do to come to church and play some games, sing some songs, and listen to a message, but that they'll truly believe and love you for what you've done. I know that if it weren't for your guiding hand I'd be lost and I don't know where I'd be. God thank you for the church home you've given me and for all the awesome people in it God. Thank you for Don and Jane who've done probably the biggest act of hospitality I suppose a person could do. They didn't even really know me and just because they wanted to help me out they invited me to stay in their home. God I don't really know how to show my appreciation to them God, but I pray that you'll show me a way to. I also thank you for Clint Hayes. I thank you for the opportunities for growth I was given under him and the opportunities for leadership. He's been much more than our Interim Youth pastor God, he's been more like a father to me God and I thank you for him. He was always there for me when I needed encouragement or advice, or even when I honestly just needed to cry God...I love him to death God and thank you for him. thank you for the Swaidners, it was such a cool suprise to see that Brenda had been my prayer warrior throughout the year. Thank you for their prayers, and I pray that I've maybe taught, led or done something for Ashley to help her grow in her faith, I know she can do so much if she can only put her trust in you God. I pray that you'll use her to make our church prosper. God I thank you for Ben and his family. Ben got me to FBC in the first place, I mean I know it was all you when it comes right down to it, but he was your tool at the time and I thank you. Thank you for putting him in my life, he's been an awesome friend for me to confess and cry to when I needed. Thank you for the hospitality of his parents too, I don't know where I'd be without them. Thank you for the Haynes God...they're such an awesome example of what family should be. Nick seems to be so mature and he's so devoted to spreading the word about you. It's awesome, and Jamie is the same way God. I pray that you'll just continue to use her in your ministry God, and keep her love for you geniuine. Especially that she'd be there for Lil' Swaidner. And God I pray that you'll continue to watch over Blake God and help to grow and develop, I can tell he's going to be an awesome tool of yours God and I thank you for it. I thank you for what you've done in Kyle as well God. I can see the same thing in him, and I pray that they, as fellow believers can grow closer and help lead the youth group towards a genuine love for you God. That's what I ask for above all else God that you'd give us all a real experience, not just a weekly routine God, but a real love. I know it God, and I just want others to experience the same. But I'd like to thank you for Nan too, she's done so much to try and help me, and it's crazy because she's not my parent, she's not related to me, and she's not a minister at the church, she's just another believer trying to help a fellow believer and it's amazing God. You know that's one thing I've definitely learned from the church and that's to be generous and not be stingy with what you have. It's all from you anyway. But God I thank you for all these people and many more, and oh yes David, he's an awesome guy to have as an accountability partner. He's helped keep me on track when I'd fallen off...thank you for him as well God...But once again God thank you for all these and many more...So many people have been so willing to give of themselves to help me, and what am I? Who am I that I should be given favor? I joke around about being "Brandon Freaking Lund"...but we both know that I'm nothing in the large scheme of things. Help me to have a humble heart God and not become boastful of anything, because it's all from you anyway. But God there's a few things I ask for, one, that I'll always be open to your will, two, that you bless all those who've blessed me, I pray that you'd also help to mend the relationship with Kayla and her parents and that she can find it in herself to be a Godly example in a family where there exists none, I pray that you'll help Kelsey to find out that she has a church home that loves her and wants her, God I also want to ask that you reveal yourself to several from my class God, you know who they are, and I praythat you'll once again give me strength to finish tomorrow...In the awesome name of your son Jesus Christ....Amen...
since then God has taught me to genuinely love others...this past easter i got to spend some time w/ my family, and let me tell ya, God is doing some amazing things, I realize nobody is goign to read this post, because it's like a freaking book, but it's all good, it gave me a chance to remember God's love and grace he shows for me daily, THANK YOU LORD!!!!
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